I think it's been very hard to decide what I want to do.
Even though I know what I want, it is hard to give in and just act.
It all comes down to this: passion.
When I watch all of the other doulas talking about birth, talking about attending births, talking about birth related topics there is a common enthusiasm that they share. They get excited. I understand it some. Some birth topics or facts are interesting to me, or I can excitedly share them with people I know...but I'm still missing that fire. I'm missing the passion.
When I talk about death, that is when I feel it.
Even with my books and what I read: my death books outnumber my birth books, they are on the most reachable shelf, and I've actually read them. I love memoirs about death, dying, and life limiting diagnoses. I love books about death experiences and research. When I read Caring for the Dying for the first time I had to keep stopping because so many passages made me gasp and take notes. I love the differences in how cultures care for their dying and dead, but even more I love the similarities. I love how the door that we enter this life through is so like the door we exit through.
I've seen improperly supported death and it is lonely and frightening. I've seen people face loss without help and only find help in the aftermath, when it would have been so much more beneficial to have had the help begin before the loss.
I want to change that. I want to be there. I want to witness. I want to companion. I want to hold space. I want to be present.
I want to follow my passion.