The air is rather crisp and the sun has just come up. There are bird singing and people are up walking dogs and heading to work.
I'm sitting on my balcony after a long night, not really tired. Thinking.
I went through a lot when my father died. All of the events around it and after it took years to recover from. At first, I tried my best to be fine...even though I was not even a little bit ok. Then I tried just existing. Getting back to the basics. Sleep, work, eat, repeat. I went back to school, I graduated, and then I had a breakdown. I hadn't dealt with the past and it festered inside until it didn't matter if I tried to ignore it. My doctor set me up with the best counsellor for me. I'm still so grateful that she came into my life when she did.
Memories, thoughts, and feelings about the past had hurt me for so long.
And then, one day, I stopped being so tied to them. I got a little better. Then I realized I was keeping people around who only magnified those ugly feelings and left them behind. I got a little more better.
Last night I came face to face with all of it. All of those memories. All of that fear and hurt and anger. I felt so sad in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt sad that someone could still be that angry with me and hate me so much.
But I also realized that I hadn't thought too deeply about that time in my life in a long while. Even when I remember my dad, even if I think of when he was sick and dying, there are things that I don't think of now. I feel more at peace about it. There are things I wish I had done, or hadn't done, but I can't spend my life beating myself up over it and letting other people punish me for my faults.
And if someone is still that angry after more than 10 years, I truly feel so sorry and I hope they find peace as well.
But as for me, today I am going to sit on my balcony. I am going to snuggle my dog. I am going to plan my plans and watch my class videos and make myself an even better version of who I am now.
And perhaps tomorrow I will do the same.
