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Great Expectations of Self

Updated: Mar 26, 2018

I've probably spent the majority of my life trying to be and do what other people expect me to be and do. The short version of this story is: it doesn't work.

Instead, I've struggled with even knowing who I am and what I like. Not just like, because I do like a wide range of things, but really love. Often, I will choose something I like, hoping that this is "it", and I'll feel really excited about it. Then, suddenly, one day I just don't anymore. The passion and excitement just vanishes and never comes back. Poof.

The general direction of my likes seems fairly solid. I love beautiful things, like art and dance. I love helping people. I love talking to people about life and providing a shoulder to lean on.

Before I chose to pursue becoming a Doula, I had been looking into starting my own makeup artist business. I really do love makeup, but after looking into it more, I knew that I wouldn't love making that my future. Although, it did further cement my desire to have my own business. That's when I remembered the Doula workshop that I ended up attending. I was so excited for it. So excited that I already had a very firm and clear picture in my mind about what my business would look like, before I even got to the workshop. I'm a hopeless planner.

I've found myself waiting for that drop. The day I wake up and the feelings of right have turned to wrong.

When I think about it, I know it isn't going to. This all feels very right and I'm just too happy even doing the stuff other people would think was boring. I'm very happy.

Still, the voices of the people who were in my life, that I wanted so much to please, are unfortunately a part of me. And they are loud. Now and then, I feel myself judging myself or I hear their comments in my head. That I am flying at something again. That I am doomed to fail again. The rolled eyes and the whispers. I'm never really sure what is my own doubts or fears and what is something learned over the years.

It makes me sad that this is a part of me.

But I'll just keep trying and working hard, like I always do, because that's part of me, too. I don't give up, even when I have to switch things up or change direction. And I like that about myself.

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