Updated: Mar 26, 2018
I'm a Doula working on her certification. (Half a Doula? 3/4 of a Doula?) I am also, apparently, a Doula with a chronic pain disorder.
I've been wondering since the fall about some aches that just wouldn't go away. Since my Doula workshop, I've noticed that it has gotten worse. To the point that even sitting and working on files and paperwork is painful and exhausting. Sometimes I will have a good day, but they are rare now.
I find it frustrating, because my mind wants to be working and it wants to be active. My body, on the other hand, wants to be laying down and napping.
It has been hard, harder than I would have liked, to get someone to listen to me about these changes, because I have a mental health issue and body pain can be a symptom of that. I also have PCOS. Both of those have been linked to chronic pain disorders, though.
So here I am. Having a not-so-bad day and sharing something that I feel is a failing on my part.
I shouldn't feel that way. It isn't my fault that my body is a little off on a few things. My brain may be a bit out there and my ovaries are causing my hormones to over function (or not function at all) and my body suddenly likes to feel pain way too much (keep your kinks to yourself, body), but it isn't my fault and I shouldn't feel ashamed.
I do feel disappointed, though, and that's ok. I think that is the lesson of the day. It is ok to feel disappointed by disappointing things. Nothing is really a guarantee and it doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes life will throw us something and we stand there, looking down at it, and wondering "what do I do with this?". Maybe we figure it out and maybe we don't. Maybe we have to learn to put it down and walk away or to be ok carrying it with us.
And if it's too heavy? Then we turn to our supports. Our loved ones and those that are there just to give us a hand.